Trouble in My Way

I had to travel this past week to Florida for a ministry event (I’m outside but I’m literally just at church 🥴). The morning I flew home, I got a call from someone I love dearly, checking on my return trip details. I let her know that I wasn’t flying out until later in the evening. She advised me that I should check with the airline and see if I could take an earlier flight because of the storm. When she said it, I thought, wait what storm? I knew there was a storm in Louisiana and I believe Mississippi was affected as well (now other states are being affected including both my hometowns so please keep them in your prayers 🙏🏾) but I was in Florida. I immediately checked Florida and Dallas weather and both were clear so I told her it was fine. She told me to try to leave sooner anyway because the affected areas could affect our flight. I changed my flight because when wisdom speaks, it’s good to listen. I’m so glad I did because my original flight ended up getting delayed several times. While on my flight home, I thought back to that conversation and got this revelation about this new season of my life: storms in other places can affect your trip (I told y’all I will literally find a word in anything lol). I’ll just tell y’all about one of my storms for now because the others are just to ghetto to talk about right now 🥴. People may know about this but some don’t but three weeks after I moved to Dallas, my mother became extremely ill. There was fear that my mother wouldn’t make it. It’s a fear I still struggle with DAILY as we continue to walk this journey of healing for her because she’s getting to the other side of this..on THIS SIDE (please keep her and us lifted as we navigate this new normal, I miss my momma so much 😭). My mother is a STRONG voice of reason, wisdom and guidance in my life (it hasn’t always been that way but God is a restorer) that I knew I could depend on in making this huge leap of faith. I came here believing that even if things didn’t work out the way I thought they would, (and they have NOT but God has been faithful) I could just call my mom. She would give me the wisdom, encouragement and strength I needed to keep going or the okay to come home if I felt like it was too much (at least two of my friends just read that and said, you ain’t going home, be quiet a girl can dream🙄😂). Her becoming ill rained on my little parade(don’t get me wrong I have some amazing friends, sisters and people-shout out to y’all, who have been getting me through this time) and I have had to navigate one of the most difficult seasons of my life without the wisdom of my mother (and before you get too deep, yes I’m still praying and hearing from God). When I decided to move, it was pure obedience (I DID NOT want to come despite popular belief and I have to fight everyday to stay because I just want to go home 🥴). I had never lived anywhere but PA except when I was younger (I was born in Jersey and stayed there til I was 6). I had no idea what to expect with moving, but I knew I had to be obedient so I came. What I didn’t account for (well I didn’t really account for much of anything TBH, I just came) was the storms that could affect me on the way to this place of purpose. Similar to what I did with the weather, I checked PA, knew it was time to go, checked Dallas, knew that it was God sending me there for purpose, and decided it would be fine. I didn’t account for the “storms” that may affect my obedience AT ALL. The truth is, a lot of us do that, we only check where we are and where we’re going. We don’t always check the in between. When we don’t account for the “storms”, we can become weary, frustrated and downright indignant (that was me 🥴 but thanks be to God and good praying friends) with our purpose. When I say account for the storms, I want to be clear that I’m not saying calculate your way out of obedience because NAH, we ain’t doing that. What I am saying though is that in your pursuit of purpose (whether spiritual or otherwise), make some preparation for turbulence on the way. How do you do that? I surely don’t have all of the answers but here are the things that have and are getting me through! A prayer life, like a real one (for real if you don’t have one at this point with everything going on, I don’t even know how you’re making it). A solid support system that can transcend distance (in my case, I don’t know the people well enough in Dallas so I pull on my support system who all live thousands of miles away but show up for me as if they’re right here). Stay connected (or if you’ve moved like me, get connected) to a SOLID local assembly (your favorite Facebook preacher is cool and all, but you’re going to need someone to fly with you in real life). Also, don’t be afraid to accept wisdom from new (or old) and unexpected voices (try the Spirit by the Spirit because everybody ain’t wise, some people are just popular). Take your time getting to know and forming relationships in this new season (in the words of my fave preacher, “the interview goes both ways”). And last but certainly not least, by all means, strengthen your ability to fly through turbulence (because you may encounter it on the way).

Obediently Grieved

Before y’all drag me, I know it’s been FOREVER! Y’all probably saw the notification for this blog and was like whattttttt, I didn’t think she did that anymore lol Listen! Your girl has been BUSY! But I’m back well  (idk if I’ll say that because who knows when my next blog post will be 🥴) but I’ve got something I think is worth sharing to so here goes…

If you know me (or have at least read the Note from me on the home page) you know there was a time that I gave up church, preaching, leading worship, just all of the things!  The streets were calling and I answered! Butttt the Lord called me back (some of us really can only run but for so long 🙄😂) and I gave Him a real yes. Since doing so, God has asked me to do some hard things I DID NOT want any parts of (respectfully 🥴). One of those things was for me to leave my hometown, my career, my friends, family, connections etc and rather quickly might I add (another story, for another day), and move to Texas. I was obedient because I knew it was Him (He made it ABUNDANTLY clear multiple times 🥴) but my obedience led me to grief (the kind I never thought I would experience again after losing my son in 2014). Being a church kid, whenever obedience came up, I was always just told that “obedience is better than sacrifice” and “the safest place is in the will of God” and both of those things are true. But no one ever prepared me for the grief that would come along with being obedient. No one told me the “safest place” would feel like a tunnel of grief of a former life of disobedient bliss. What do we do when our obedience makes us depressed, anxious and afraid? When your obedience leads you so far into a yes that turning back would probably kill you? And what about when it gets so overwhelming that you want out but feel like you’re drowning in your Yes Lord? You rarely hear talks about THOSE moments. What I can tell you (because I’m certainly no expert and am walking through this very thing now) is that God really does see, He really does know, and He really does understand. And if you can’t make sense of anything else, His love is enough to carry you. When the songwriter said, “it was your love, that lifted,” they MEANT IT! So fam, if God is walking you through these treacherous obedient streets (we ain’t NEVER been this way before 🥴), in THOSE moments, cling to His love because His love will lift you EVERY SINGLE TIME! But also, don’t be afraid to find a trusted circle of friends, a support group, a TED Talk, therapist, a book on grief, SOMETHING to help you navigate THOSE moments either. I promise you’re not any less saved and no, you’re not crazy or inadequate because of it! You got this! I’m rooting for you 🤞🏾

Burden carriers

First things first, HAPPY NEW YEAR church girl family! We made it! We got through one of the toughest years that some of us have ever gone through. People who had never experienced depression, anxiety or any other mental illness, experienced it last year. Because of that, it opened the door and heightened sensitivity and understanding of things that were once judged and/or dismissed. Since that door is open, let’s walk through it. I am a strong person and being strong comes with a lot of responsibility and sometimes unrealistic expectations from self and others. You’re expected to be strong all of the time, no matter what. People don’t expect nor comprehend weakness from you. It unknowingly takes away your right and sometimes your ability to be vulnerable. Because if everyone else expects only strength from you, you start to only expect strength from yourself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve led worship, preached or served in ministry while carrying heavy things because that “strength” I put on for everyone else, I put on with myself and God. I though that God expected me to be strong because everyone, including myself, expected strength from me all of the time. If you’re not careful, being strong will have you carrying your own burdens and that will drive you CRAZY! There’s nothing wrong with being strong but true strength lies in your ability to be vulnerable with God and others(in the right,SAFE spaces) and allow God to carry your burdens. So I’m challenging all my fellow “strong” friends to stop carrying burdens. You don’t have to carry them, no matter how much being the strong one tells you that you have too. You can go to God with your burdens and you can leave them with Him. If you get up from praying about a thing and you’re still carrying the weight of it, you just vented, you didn’t truly give it to God. So please, whatever you do, don’t allow being strong to make you a burden carrier. Give your burdens to God for real. 

“Casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].” 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP) 

The Clique In Me

I’ve had my fair share of dealings with clique groups; I’ve been apart of them and I’ve been an outcast because of them. But today I want to talk about a different type of clique, and that’s the internal cliques we form within ourselves. Now I know this may sound a little crazy at first, but indulge me a little. Part of being in a clique group requires a shared unwillingness to welcome anything or anyone that isn’t willing to conform to the already established rules and structures of the clique. A clique group protects it’s members (at all cost) even if they’re unhealthy and has no desire to see REAL change or growth. When I decided to go on this journey of healing and discovery, the deeper I went, the more I started to see that there was a clique inside of me that was preventing me from seeing real change. That clique consisted of trauma, ill-structured thinking, unbiblical traditions, unmet expectations, unrealistic expectations from self and others, man-perceived failures, and the list could honestly go on but I think you get the point. All those things, among others, had been years in the making and as you can imagine it was hard for any new version of me to infiltrate. I had convinced myself that I wanted change and I would even pray for change and get frustrated with God when I didn’t see it. What I didn’t realize was that my prayers were being confined to the walls of safety that I had built through my allegiance to that internal clique group. I thought that I could grow within that wall of safety. But it’s kinda hard to grow beyond the walls you’ve built to keep you safe. No wonder I wasn’t seeing any change. I had formed an allegiance with those things and had developed an unhealthy sense of loyalty to the very things that were keeping me from what I said I wanted. What I didn’t realize was that this allegiance that I formed not only kept out the bad, it also kept out the good. So, I was safe from hurt but I was blocked from anything that didn’t conform to the already established rules and structures of my internal clique. It truly took (and is still taking) a DISMANTLING of my internal clique group. This is NOT an easy thing to do, it takes serious dedication and commitment. Why? Because you are literally signing up to be an outcast with yourself and that can get frustrating and confusing. The clique is strong (because it’s had years to build it’s strength) and anything outside of it can be misperceived as weakness but don’t be fooled. As hard as it is, I encourage you to DO IT, because you’re safer OUTSIDE of the clique (even on days it doesn’t seem like it, you are). You’ll experience REAL growth (spiritual and otherwise) when you start to disassociate yourself with YOUR internal clique group.

Healing…my way

Healing has become a popular term these days. You hear quotes like, “heal so when someone tells you they love you, you’ll believe them” or “heal so you don’t bleed on people who haven’t hurt you.” I’m sure there are plenty more but those are the ones I see most. So we’re pushing this narrative and encouraging people to heal (and I’m here for it 👏🏾) but I think some of us have the wrong idea of what healing really is and what it looks like. Webster dictionary defines heal as, to cause to become sound or healthy again. First things first, it says “to cause” which is an action. There’s this thing we do in church when something is wrong or someone has an issue, we tell them ‘just pray about it.’ And while I believe in the power of prayer, (it works! Ask me how I know!) I also know that faith without WORKS is dead. Prayer can’t be the only thing you’re doing! We have a habit of over spiritualizing things to avoid actually doing something! Some of the things we need to heal from requires practical application; Acknowledging that we actually need to heal (cuz some folks are walking around unhealed for real but healed in their mind), talking to someone (please go to therapy, please it’ll bless you), developing coping skills, apologizing, making amends etc. You can’t heal from anything you’re not addressing...PERIODT! Now that we got that out the way, let’s go a little deeper. Another reason some of us can’t “heal” is because we have misconceptions of what it means to be sound and healthy. For too long, we’ve let everyone but US determine what sound and healthy means! A lot of times peoples perception of you being “sound and healthy” is tied up in what you’re DOING and not who you are. Being active in ministry, having a good job, being wealthy, having a large social media following, being booked and busy, etc don’t mean sound and healthy! Being sound and healthy is about YOU, the you outside of all those things! You’ll know you’re really healed when your healing isn’t measured by what you’re doing or not doing.! We have to stop measuring our healing based on our titles, our roles, the work we do, and even our influence.! Because when the dust settles and you’re not doing any of those things, YOU are still there. So I encourage you to really heal, like I mean REALLY heal, not for your purpose, not for your calling, not for a man, not for your family, not for your friends, not for your job, not for your business etc, but for YOU! Find out what sound and healthy means FOR YOU! Not what it is was for someone who may have a similar testimony, not what these folks try to tell you it is but what it is for YOU! And a little bit of encouragement for those of you who may have struggled like I have with healing in the past. The definition also says AGAIN, meaning there’s already a blueprint of a healed YOU to return too.! Be encouraged in that! The blueprint is already in you.! The HEALED you is already inside of you, you just have to return to it AGAIN.! 

Let’s get real

This past year and a half has bought about unexpected shifts and transition in my life. I was going to church regularly, I mean if you knew me back then, you knew that  any time the church was open, Aishah was there. I had stellar attendance at church, I was working in ministry but I was still suffering and no one around me knew it. On May 15, 2019, the weight of it all, the molestation, rape, a failed marriage, loss of a child (twice), domestic violence, church hurt, not measuring up, low self esteem, bullying, etc became to heavy. I was tired and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. So I turned my phone on airplane mode, DND, and turned the WiFi off, took a bottle of pills and drink to my mouth ready to take them and my phone started buzzing. Long story short, that buzzing (which was only God because how else did a text get through on airplane mode, DND, and no WiFi) saved my life but it also opened my eyes. It made me realize that  it was going to take more than just good praise breaks( as much as I love a good dance), good services, and the work of ministry to sustain people. Jesus showed us that it was about more than that by the way He was concerned about what concerned the people constantly. If we’re not careful, we can get so caught up in our services, programs, initiatives etc that we become completely oblivious to what goes on with people beyond what we see while they are in the four walls of the church. Church is also about COMMUNITY and a lot of us have forgotten that. I truly believe that we are not only called to do ministry with people, but we’re also called to do LIFE with them. We are called to walk along side people. Praying for people in your secret closet, prophesying to them in high services and dancing with them, etc ain’t  enough. There are people right in our midst struggling financially, mentally, physically, etc and we have no clue. I was one of those people and I KNOW I’m not alone. So I encourage us, as a church, to get back to building COMMUNITY because we need it. Oh and another thing, you can go to church AND therapy and you’ll still be just as saved! Y’all stop damming people to hell and questioning peoples faith because they wanna go to therapy. Alright I’m done for real this time.!

It’s your time but is it your turn

So I took a trip to North Carolina a couple of months ago. And realistically, I could’ve drove but if you know me, you know I love to travel but I’m inpatient (I hate road trips)so I fly pretty much everywhere. While I was waiting to board the plane (Southwest was running late) I remember thinking, why is it taking so long? We finally got on the plane and got to the place to take off but we didn’t take off, we just kinda hovered, just barely moving. Now I was already tripping because they were already running behind so I’m getting agitated at this point. I’m about ready to stand up and figure out what’s going on when the pilot comes on and tells us that we have to let another plane, going in the same direction, take off first. While I sat there agitated (I told y’all I’m impatient) I start thinking and of course revelation came (preachers get a word out of almost anything lol). First, sometimes we have to experience a delay so that someone else can get to their destination on time. What we didn’t know was, the other plane has been delayed too and if they didn’t take off first they wouldn’t reach their destination on time. There are times that people we know (and sometimes people we don’t know) have experienced delays in reaching their destination and sometimes there arrival time is before ours. So we have to sit back and let them go first so that they reach their destination on time. We can’t be selfish and only concerned about our destinations and our timing. Secondly, the time we loose in delay, God can make up in the air. God knows how to get us where we need to be, when we need to be there. Being delayed (for whatever reason) doesn’t have to be negative. Even if the delay was our fault, there’s no condemnation. God has a plan A-Z. No worries. And thirdly, we have to learn the art of hovering. It’s easy to get caught up in that “it’s your time” or the “it’s your season”hype, but sometimes it’s your TIME but not your TURN. We could be in the plane, on the platform, ready to take off but still NEED to wait. There’s nothing wrong with waiting (I know the impatience in me just cringed too lol).! We just have to be careful not to overestimate or become comfortable in our wait! While we’re waiting, we can’t turn our engines off. We can’t loose our momentum. We have to stay ready because clearance could come at any moment. We have to keep our hands on the wheel and our foot on the gas. Because if we don’t, we’ll miss our turn trying to get ourselves started up again. So if you’re feeling delayed in something, it’s okay, just keep your engine running, keep your momentum up, because clearance IS coming. Don’t miss your TURN, because who knows when it’ll come around again. 

Fight right

So remember I told y’all I took this sabbatical from church right; I mean I was really in these streets. I was having hot girl seasons okay! Just doing any and everything I wanted to do! But one day I decided that I would at least start ATTENDING church again. I wasn’t making any leaps back to FULL TIME church church but I could at least go. Church has always been about community for me. I didn’t come to church to find or experience God because I had my own personal relationship with him that went beyond a weekly gathering. So when I felt that I was being hurt more than helped by the “community” I came for, I bounced. And the reason why was because I had literally had enough of the church and felt that my life was better outside of church. I met people who treated me better and who cared about my well-being more than some of the people I went to church with every week. And some of them had never stepped foot in church a day in their lives. So I didn’t see the point of returning to church full force. As soon as I left, here came the saints, “oh you don’t come to church for people,” “it’s not about the people, it’s about God,” and “if you leave church because of people you’re not really saved.” And let me just tell y’all that think saying those statements are true, they aren’t. You do in fact come to church for the “gathering” or “the assembling of the saints.” (Hebrews 10:25) I’m not saying it’s the only reason you come but we have to stop using that excuse because not only is it not helpful, it’s not biblical. It’s an excuse we use to avoid addressing the REAL issue. The real issue is our un-Christ-like behavior that makes people not want to come to church. And instead of addressing and correcting that behavior, we let people leave and then condemn them to hell for doing so. We are all dealing with different issues and battles outside of church. And I’m sure I speak for a lot of people when I say this, I didn’t come to church to battle with y’all too. I refuse to let people “just keep showing up” when every time they get there, they gotta fight people. The church isn’t supposed to be a war zone for us to fight each other. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood...y’all know the rest (Ephesians 6:12). We are walking through one of the most difficult years some of us have ever experienced and if this hasn’t shown us that life is really but a vapor, I don’t know what will! We HAVE to treat each other better! Why, because someone’s life may depend on it. Something I say or do could be the make or break it point in someone’s salvation. And I don’t want to be the reason someone doesn’t want God anymore! No one should be comfortable with someone leaving God and community because of something WE did! So if you do something wrong to someone, (because we’re human and sometimes make mistakes) apologize. Those emotional hugs, you know the ones when you go up to someone during service that you did something wrong to and just cry, speak in tongues etc, yeah stop that! I don’t need a hug, I need an apology. So my challenge to all of us is to love BETTER! The Bible says that people will know us by the love we have for one another. (John 13:35) Love is going to draw people, and keep us going when we want to give up! So, love people, fight demons.! Fight Right.! 

Death to busy culture

Before this whole pandemic started we have all, at some point, been unnecessarily busy. Work, meetings, events, parties, shows etc. almost every day. Then COVID hit and a lot of things we were busy doing, fell into the category of “it ain’t that deep.” And if you’re like me, I went from busy to miserable QUICK! The more time I had to think, the more things I thought I had healed from started popping back up and I was hit with a harsh reality, busyness doesn’t mean wholeness. Society (and the church) has taught us that as long as we’re busy, even if it’s doing things we were never called to do, (that’s a topic for another day) we’re whole. Meanwhile, underneath that busyness is unresolved trauma, uncontrollable triggers, poor coping skills, etc. And instead of addressing those things, we put on busyness like a mask and pretend like everything is good. Those of us who have had to wear glasses during this pandemic can attest that trying to talk or breathe makes your glasses foggy. And that’s exactly what busyness has done to some of us it has caused our vision to be foggy. Saints and friends let me help us all, God didn’t call us to busyness, He called us to PRODUCTIVITY. Productivity is more than a packed itinerary, it’s also your mental stability, your spiritual walk, your emotional health and wellbeing, and even your relationships (romantic and platonic). Some of us are great at doing business and can do anything in ministry but we’re horrible friends, spouses , sisters, brothers, we’re mean, moody, easily offended, etc. Those are all places that must be healed in order to truly be productive because you can only offer so much from a place of brokenness, from a masked place. I believe that you can be healed and made whole on the journey but, not if you’re masking your need for healing and wholeness with busyness. Now don’t get me wrong, when you’re walking in your purpose and producing what you’ve been placed on this Earth to produce, you may be busy at times. But we should never get so caught up in being busy that we miss opportunities to be productive. So I said all of that to say, don’t strive to be busy, strive to be productive, in ALL areas of your life! 

Feel all the feels

So I thought about what I would write about for my first blog and so many different ideas have swirled around in my head. But in the spirit of being open, honest and transparent, I decided to write about exactly where I am. So here goes…

I recently got out of a relationship that I thought was pretty serious (marriage material serious) and it ended pretty horribly. I mean, I was and still am a bit devastated by how it all went down because whew people will do you dirty! He was very heavily involved in the church and I honestly thought I hit the jackpot, and I did, just not MY jackpot. Of course, I had told a lot of my close friends about this relationship and how serious I thought it was so you can only imagine how stupid I felt to have to tell them it was over. As you can probably imagine, everyone wanted an explanation as to why we had ended things and normally, I would’ve dished ALL THE DETAILS okay, but there was something different about this time. I had no desire to tell people what happened or why things had ended so abruptly. Part of that was from pure embarrassment, but a large part of it was because I had no idea how I felt. I had no idea what to tell people. I was all over the place and I couldn’t figure out why. And all I kept hearing in my mind was, “Aishah, snap out of it, you’ve been through worse than this.” So I started thinking, who says I have to snap out of it? Who says I have to just be over it when it just happened? Who told me I wasn’t allowed to feel when I go through difficult times? It was in that moment that I realized that to often in church, we are conditioned to just get over things. But why? Why aren’t we allowed to process things? Why can’t we acknowledge that something has happened? Does that mean that our faith isn’t strong enough? Does that make us not “as saved?”

Quite frankly, the answer is no. There is no scripture in the Bible that says that when we go through difficult times we have to be superwoman or superman instantly. The Bible never told us to suppress our feelings. Should we pray about what we are feeling, absolutely, but suppressing them? Definitely not. Jesus tells us to cast our burdens on him, how are we going to do that if we’re so busy being superwoman or superman the moment we go through something? A wise person once said, you can’t get delivered from things you’re hiding. So the lesson here is, it’s okay to feel all of the feels. All those things that come with whatever difficult situation you’re experiencing, feel them, process them, understand them. Don’t be afraid to unpack those feelings, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to understand and process what it is you’re feeling. Because once you’ve recognized a thing and gained full clarity on what it is, you know exactly how and what to pray.